Everyone Found out Anyways

As I recall, one of my main motivations for having an abortion was simply that I was embarrassed that I had failed.  I was embarrassed to be one of those irresponsible girls who got pregnant out of wedlock.  Who didn't use birth control right and got herself pregnant.  I didn't want to admit that to my parents, or anyone else for that matter.  I remember that I didn't even tell my closest friends, because I didn't want them to find out how "stupid" I had been.  I felt pretty close to my downstairs neighbor, and I didn't even tell her.  She was quite liberal and feminist, and surely she would have supported me.  But my pride kept me from letting her know about it.  I was also worried that she would suggest adoption, or worse yet, ask to adopt the baby herself.  She was in her early forties, and infertile, and she often talked about regretting her lack of children.  I felt like if I told her what I planned to do, it was like I was stealing her chance at motherhood or something.  Little did I know what I was doing to my own chance at motherhood.

As the years passed, my burden of secrecy grew heavier.  I told a close friend of mine who had an abortion as well.  This did nothing to ease my pain and only increased my anger.  She argued with me, told me that I had done the right thing.  I remember angrily telling her that I have every right to be very angry with myself for killing my child.  My anger grew, I was angry with myself, with people who felt I had done the right thing.  I was angry with my boyfriend for encouraging me to have the abortion, I was angry with society who had taught me that abortion was the right choice for someone in my circumstances.  The anger overwhelmed me and led to addiction and despair.  It wasn't supposed to be like this, I was meant for great things, but the anger took control and kept me from healthy relationships, kept me from finishing school, kept me from reaching my potential. 

18 years later, it became very clear to me that the only way to start living again, to let go of the anger and move on to once again accomplish things in my life.  To have goals and accomplishments once again, I had to work through my anger.  And the only way to work through that anger was to start talking to people about it.  It wasn't easy at all, I started very slow, with people that were supportive and would listen to me.  I told counselors about it, priests, and then started to tell friends.  It got easier to tell people, and the more people I told, the more it became clear to me that I had to tell my family as well.  I didn't want it to get back to them from someone else, and I felt that they deserved to know.  It ate at me for months before I finally told my parents.  While they didn't react exactly as I had envisioned, it was a great relief to finally get the secret off my chest.

I was such a fool to think that I could "undo" my pregnancy and nobody would ever know.  In the end, everyone found out anyways.